From the Desk of Chuck Bass
by Flipping Seltzer
Summary: Future fic. Various notes, correspondence, and voicemails from the Bass family. I disclaim everything except the humor! "To Mrs. Chuck Bass, aka The Tyrannical Autocrat, aka Her Most Feared Clipboarded Majesty, aka Blair Bear"
1. Chapter 1

An: Basically just a bunch of funny drabbles. Enjoy! I disclaim

From the Desk of Chuck Bass,

Esq. Empire Inc., CEO Bass Industries

To Mrs. Chuck Bass,

aka The Tyrannical Autocrat, aka Her Most Feared Clipboarded Majesty, aka Blair Bear

So are you happy now? You made me bring out the Blair Bear on official stationary, which means that as you read this Renee is filling a copy of it into the Bass permanent files. This could have been avoided if you answered any of my many calls, emails, or texts. Now I'm forced to write this stupid letter, taking away from time I could be being more productive and doing important business things, which means I'll have to stay latter, ergo less time doing dirty things to you before the kids come back from Croatia or Somalia or whatever. Not to mention I have to get a bike messenger to deliver it and you know that spandex on men disturbs me (unlike spandex on you, which disturbs only certain parts of me).

Anyway, dinner tonight? Maybe Butter, to rekindle high school reminiscences? Or I hear that the new Thai place on 4th has sinfully good curry—you know how I like spice. Or we could skip dinner and go straight for dessert… I realize that you feel like every single auction item needs to be seen and checked in by yourself, but take an evening off and at least (struck from the record by Renee Vargas, secretary) off your husband, who you've barely seen in weeks.

Let me know. I have a meeting at 3pm and god knows the (struck from the record by Renee Vargas, secretary) never shuts up so I'll be at least an hour. But leave a message with Renee or text me. Actually text me something dirty, I'll need a distraction. Seriously Blair, he's a total (struck from the record by Renee Vargas, secretary).

Love,

Chuck Bass,

aka. Your love slave and lonely husband.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

A message for: Mr. Bass

A message from: Mrs. Waldorf-Bass

Taken By: Renee Vargas, secretary

Date/Time: 23 August 2031 3:35pm

Regarding: Dinner Tonight

Chuck you asshole! I can't believe you sent such an unprofessional letter to me at work… on company letterhead! You truly are unbelievable. And not in a good way so don't go getting any ideas.

I'm leaving this message with Renee because you do not deserve any attention from me whatsoever, especially during a Board of Trustees meeting. Alan Thompson is not a (struck from the record by Renee Vargas, secretary) Chuck! God you are such a child. And speaking of children you know very well that the kids are in West Palm Beach not a fucking war zone. I told them at the beginning of summer that if they didn't behave then they couldn't leave the country—its not my fault your demon spawn can't manage to act like civilized humans for two months! Maybe if they'd sharpened up they could have gone somewhere decent instead of the swamp but we all make our own beds (figuratively of course)…

And you will not be sleeping in ours buddy! I am most certainly not tyrannical and my clipboard is the glue that is holding this sham of an event together so don't even start with me.

Now give Renee a bonus for writing all that down. And I'll meet you at Noir at 8 (you know very well I despise curry).

Absolutely no love at all,

Blair


	2. Chapter 2

Cecila Howard you have… 1 New Text Message

From Alex:

Re: Bng BANISHED. Can u belve my rents fnlly flipped thyr lids? How cld thy take my pspt! FL ttly sucks n i swr the grls r impssble to get along w. Prob b/c L. cnt keep It in his pnts. i HATE it hre. Hows Ibiza? Is B. thre? Plse txt bck im DYING!

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Alexandria Bass you have… 2 New Text Messages

From CeCe:

A. stp bng so drmatic! U did thrw that prty n th yacht aftr ur dad spcifcly said no. i mn, the C.G. WAS called! FL isnt tht bd—did u go c N. lk i tld u 2? Shes gr8! Or did L. alrdy sleep w her 2? U brthr is such a ahole. Ibizas awsme! B. is hre but w sme scank- n wrth ur time. 3 u! C.

From Resident Evil:

Alex stop being such a bitchy buzzkill. I know youre all pissed b/c u cant shove ur tongue down Brandons throat but ur ruining the whole trip. BTW im going to need the twnhse 2 myself tonight so stop being a loser and find a friend. PS. m&d love me more. Just thgt u should be remmded 1 more time.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Liam Bass you have… 4 New Text Messages

From A. Annoyance:

i HATE u!

From Brown Hair/Green Eyes:

R we still on fr 2night? Txt me the add. if yes

From Mom:

Liam call me when you get this. ASAP. We need to talk about the credit card bill. Honestly. 4 chocolate fountains? What are you two doing? ASAP young man!

From Blond Hair/Blue Eyes:

hey sxy! am I still cming over? LOL call me!

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Natalie Ramage you have… 1 New Voicemail

"Hey this is Natalie! Sorry I missed your call but I'm probably on the boat. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I have service." Beep.

"Hello, this is awkward because I'm really not sure if this is the right number. This is Alex Bass, Cece's cousin. Cece Howard? Anyway she told me to call you while I was here, in West Palm that is. The thing is that my asshole of a brother has decided our parents' townhouse is a brothel so I plan to get as drunk as possible and then walk in at the worst possible moment. Cece say's you're 'awesome' and I was looking for some company – just thought I'd ask. Humiliation is much more lasting with two people. I'll be at the Empire Bar in Midtown if you're interested. Oh, this is a message for Natalie."

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Chuck Bass you have… 1 New Voicemail

"This is Chuck Bass. I'm unable to take your call, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, my secretary or I will get back to you." Beep.

"Chuck your kids are out of control! Did you see the bill that William forwarded to us—what the fuck were they doing with that much melted chocolate? And don't try to make this into some sick sexual prowess father/son pride bullshit. Because I'm sure the hellion that you call a daughter was in on this too!

"And don't start about how the kids are mine when they're behaving and yours when they act like this, because I'm telling you right now Chuck, I never did anything with a chocolate fountain. Except for that one time but that was a special occasion! And will you stop sending me pictures of last night! I was there, I don't need a play by play it's distracting. And I don't even want to know how you managed to take them without me noticing!

"Call your children and discuss this Chuck. The fountains, not last night! I always have to be the bad guy while you get to be the cool laid back favorite. Well no more! No more sex until this is dealt with! I mean it!"

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Liam Bass you have… 1 New Voicemail

"It's Liam, you know what to do. If this is Stacy, the restraining order I filed is still in effect. And if this is Dean, dude you're a dumbass, Florida is so much better than fucking Spain." Beep.

"Liam it's your father. We need to talk about (what was it Renee? No I have the message but I didn't… I realize this is important… there's too much crap on my desk, oh here) we need to talk about this chocolate fountain situation. I'm not sure what exactly you were doing, and I'm not sure I want particulars, but there is no reason to purchase, or even rent, four of those things.

"I'll tell you something son, excess is a wonderful thing but it should be done in good taste. Four dessert fountains is a bit of an overindulgence. So… think about that. Your mother and I miss you and your sister, I hope everything's alright. I know you two were disappointed about not being able to go to Spain with your friends but honestly Liam, the Coast Guard? And don't think I didn't notice that the scotch was watered down. I've told you a hundred times, if you want scotch you go out and buy it yourself, you don't steal. Especially not from me. See you next week. Love you kid."


	3. Chapter 3

An: I disclaim. And I have no feeling whatsoever towards BU, good or bad, it just was the first place to come to mind. Please Review!

The Bass Family invites you to A Hamptons Soiree. Please join Charles, Blair, Katherine, Liam, and Alexandria for a week of friends, sand, sun, and champagne as we toast the beginning of another school year and the end of another wonderful summer.

Location: The Bass Estate, 1234 Sandpiper Court

Date: August 25th -August 30th (Festivities will begin promptly at 2pm on the 25th , please plan accordingly)

RSVP by August 22nd by cutting and pasting the appropriate response.

Looking forward to seeing you!

- The Bass Family

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

To: Blair Waldorf-Bass;

From: Serena Van der Woodsen;

Sent: 24 August 2031 1334hrs. Received: 24 August 2031 1425hrs.

Re: Hamptons

Dear B.,

I don't know why you feel like you have to send out these e-vites every year… we've all been going to the Hamptons the week before September since Kate was born. We know.

I'm not saying it isn't a nice thought B. But I just know how busy you are… Anyway if you absolutely need a written commitment:

Serena Van der Woodsen is: ATTENDING.

Arthur Van der Woodsen is: ATTENDING.

Seriously Blair, have you been seeing Dr. Kiltrin? Because your neurosis' are your way of dealing with your lack of control over the universe and you've really got to admit you can't micromanage the world.

Africa is AMAZING! Mombasa is absolutely my favorite place in the world Blair—it's so alive and colorful. Arthur is really enjoying himself too. He met some friends who get together for a cricket game every afternoon and of course he went nuts over the legalized gambling. Boys! Next year you should let me bring Alex and Liam; I think they need some culture emersion.

Have you spoken to Nate? I realize that as the EXWIFE he has to avoid all my calls on principle but this is a Vanderbilt business related foundation issue. When you call to harass him about his e-vite can you please tell him to call me?

Love You!

Ps. What this I hear about chocolate fountains?

Serena Van der Woodsen

Director of the Third World/New World Foundation: A Vanderbilt Organization

Offices in New York, Port Sudan, Mombasa, Zaire, Paris, and Cairo.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

To: Serena Van der Woodsen;

From: Blair Waldorf-Bass;

Sent: 24 August 2031 1821hrs. Received: 24 August 2031 1954hrs.

Re: Re: Hamptons

Seriously S.!

Is it too much to ask for my family and friends to reply to an event? How am I supposed to have Dorota do anything if I don't have a proper head count? I can't! Initiations and RSVPs are perfectly civilized and normal and not the sign of a crazy person, like you, Nate, and my husband seem to think. I realize that you've been socializing with savages and democrats so at least you have an excuse. But Nate and Chuck would like it if I just called the day of and threw together a brunch 'on the fly.'

Which just goes to show that they did so many drugs at St. Jude's that their brains actually turned into that disgusting sponge thing they showed us in health class.

Speaking of insanity, I can't believe you took your own child to AFRICA! Do you want him to get smallpox or something? And gambling—yeah that's definitely the sort of character building I want my children exposed to. I'm not even going to deign your imperialist sports comment with a response.

And honestly, you're going to see Nate tomorrow, can't you bother him then? Unless you plan on showing up a DAY LATE again, in which case I won't pass on your message anyway in revenge.

I really don't care to even think about chocolate fountains, other than to say that somewhere down the line I made a wrong turn in raising my children. My guess is allowing myself to be impregnated by the devils spawn.

BE ON TIME!

Love,

Blair

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

BU OUA you have…1 New Voicemail

"Hello, you've reached Boston University's Office of Undergraduate Achievement. This is the desk of Katherine Bass, freshman advising. If you've reached this message by mistake, please press 0 for the operator. If you were trying to reach Mr. McEwan, upperclassmen advisor, please press 1. If you were trying to reach Ms. Morgan, I'm afraid she was found guilty and I'll be taking over her duties. If you want to file a complaint against this former employee, please press 2 and leave a message with the Office of Disciplinary Affairs. If you have reached the correct line, I'm afraid I'll be out of the office and off campus until September 1st. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I return. If this is urgent press 3 to contact an emergency advising counselor." Beep.

"Hey it's Cece. Oh my God Kate that was the longest message I've ever heard in my life. And by the way, why exactly are you working? Did your parents' cut you off or something because you went all liberal arts of their asses? I mean, I know they were all upset about you not going to Yale or Dartmouth, but was declaring yourself a journalism major the last straw? I've missed you—can't wait to get together and mock everyone. Did you already drive down? Because I stopped in Boston to see James—you know the guy with the pierced eyebrow—and wanted a little company on the train. Let me know! I'll try your cell too."


	4. Chapter 4

I disclaim.

Fax received by: Dr. Eric Van der Woodsen 555.0137 Aug. 24 13:23

Fax sent by: The Offices of Bryred, Howard, and Ritle. The desk of Mitchell Howard, atty. 555.8439

Cover page: _Regarding: Our Daughter. Please respond._

Page 1: _Eric did you hear what Cecila was doing yesterday?_

_She went to see that boy—the one with the piercings! She's just doing this out of some twisted sense of child justice. I swear my mother put her up to this—she never got over the fact that I was gay and now she'd encouraging our daughter to drive me crazy. Why couldn't that whole nurture thing have worked out better? Then CeCe would be dating some nice, well mannered lesbian instead of that Harvard drop out wanna-be musician. Where did we go wrong? We sent her to Berkley for gods sake. That place is full of hoards of nice republican homosexuals. Did you know he was flying into Boston and not New York? Did you keep it from me on purpose? Have you been talking to my mother?_

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Mitch Howard you have…1 New Text Message

From Eric:

Calm down you're paranoid. We knew when we adopted Ce there was a good chance she'd be straight. Don't be so judgemental.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Memo: To All Personnel

From: Dr. Van der Woodsen

Re: Out of Office

This is a reminder that I'll be away from the office until the 31st. Dr. Thomas will be taking my regular sessions. I can be reached at my normal emergency number in the event of a crisis. Thank you.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Air Traffic Control Event Log. Mombasa, Kenya, Private Air Strip Report.

At 1900 hrs. 24 August 2031 ATC Informed that Vanderbilt plane was being checked for flight and requested take off clearance for 25 August 2031. Permission was given and clearance was slotted for 1200 hrs. Vanderbilt plane took off at 1202 hrs with the following:

Pilot: Capt. Ertyn

CoPilot: Lt. Poole

Flight Attendant: M. Reces

Passengers: S. Van der Woodsen

A. Archibald- Van der Woodsen

Passport scans available upon request.

Flight Destination: JFK Airport, NY, USA.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Serena Van der Woodsen you have… 1 New Text Message

From B.:

I knew you'd be late.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

A note from Blair Waldorf-Bass:

To do: 1. remind Alex to pack heels

2. call back Katy—remind that MET fundraising ethics are NOT flexible!

3. have Dorota pack Chuck's salmon pants

4. KILL SERENA!

5. take away Liam's credit card privileges

6. call Daddy and Roman!

7. make sure cabbage patch is seated away from: Chuck, Serena, my mother, Mitch

8. have Eric talk to Kate- figure

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

From the Desk of Chuck Bass,

Esq. Empire Inc., CEO Bass Industries

To Mrs. Chuck Bass,

aka she-who-packs-like-the-wind, Goddess of the Known Universe

I know that I complained about this type of communication, but Blair, I've decided letter writing is the sort of sweeping, classic romantic gesture that I choose to embody, so I've decided to continue. Not to mention, when you write your memoirs, this will be a wonderful edition. And I want you to know that I debated training birds of some sort to deliver it, but Renee said that was impractical.

Personally I just think she's not thinking big enough. And is possibly jealous her own husband didn't train animals to deliver her love notes.

Blair, my eternal love, I'm writing this as an intervention. Liam tells me you took his AX Black card. I realize you're doing this with the best of intentions, but I don't think you realize that he has five other major credit cards, a trust fund, and a rather impressive stock portfolio. Really, what's the point? Not that I'm saying you're in the wrong, and I agree totally about the fountains (or whatever he's done this time). And I'll always be behind you, a united Ch/Air front, just like I was when you overreacted about the whole bubble bath-goldfish-limo party thing. But as a woman who had two tiaras and three extra dresses as backup during our wedding, I'm just not sure you can throw stones regarding excess. And honestly, I'm not sure I want to be raising children who don't go after what they want—even if it is multiple chocolate fountains or the desire to genetically modify goldfish. After all, we are both very headstrong people and it is a Bass trait to get what you want no matter the consequences.

It is how you finally convinced me to marry you.

The point Blair, is that taking away a single credit card achieves nothing and in the long run is just a fruitless gesture.

Now take a deep breath, remember that you are the most gorgeous, sexy woman I have ever met, that I love you, and that you need to pack my salmon pants because I want to wear them to the Petters.

All my love,

Chuck Bass

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Blair Waldorf-Bass you have… 1 New Voicemail

"This is Blair Waldorf-Bass. I'm apparently too busy to take your call, but if you leave your name, reason for calling, number, and hours you can be reached—in that order—I'll be happy to return your call when I have a moment." Beep.

"Um… Mrs. Bass? This is Paul Westel from your husband's accounting department. I got your email… are you sure you want to freeze your son's entire credit? That's… well that's quite a few cards. And in the case of an emergency, well…not that I'm questioning your judgment Mrs. Bass! I just wanted to… make sure. So give me a call back. If you want! My number is 555.3175. oh and I'll be in the office until 5. Thank you."


	5. Chapter 5

I disclaim. Thanks for all the great reviews.

My dear friend Serena,

Due to your, habitual, tardiness, I'm afraid that you will have to find another place to stay for the evening. We've all gone to bed, since the day has been full of tiring and once in a lifetime fun. That you missed.

Because you were late.

If he so chooses, Arthur—who I'm sure would not have been late if you weren't making his schedule—may climb up the tree next to Liam's room and enter through the conveniently open window and proceed to his usual room. You, who are entirely too heavy and old to be climbing up anything, will just have to make due elsewhere.

I assure you, every window and door is locked. Maybe you can go stay at the Motel 8 down the road. Or with the scruffy, manipulative sycophant you enjoy torturing us all with. I'm sure Nate would love to see him at brunch.

Which is at 10am. That's in the morning. 10 in the morning. Food will not be served after 11, even for tardy, irresponsible, inconsiderate sister-in-law's who arrive at people's doorsteps at 1 in the morning.

Your loving friend,

Blair

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

S.-

The key to the pool house is under the mat. Don't bring _him_ to brunch.

C.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

"Hello, you've reached Boston University's Office of Undergraduate Achievement. This is the desk of Katherine Bass, freshman advising. If you've reached this message by mistake, please press 0 for the operator. If you were trying to reach Mr. McEwan, upperclassmen advisor, please press 1. If you were trying to reach Ms. Morgan, I'm afraid she was found guilty and I'll be taking over her duties. If you want to file a complaint against this former employee, please press 2 and leave a message with the Office of Disciplinary Affairs. If you have reached the correct line, I'm afraid I'll be out of the office and off campus until September 1st. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I return. If this is urgent press 3 to contact an emergency advising counselor." Beep.

"Um… hi Ms. Bass? This is Colin Ramage—you're the T.A. for my art history class—I was just wondering if you were in the Hamptons right now? Because I'm pretty sure I just saw you…which is weird. Because you're kind of my teacher." _"Dude, dude, ask!" "Shut up!" _"Sorry…uh, I was actually wondering if you were like old? Older than me I mean— 22, that is, because if you're not-" _"He's gonna do it!" "Yeah right!" _"-well I was thinking we should, you know, hook up out here. Socially that is. Yeah. I can do whenever. Actually right now I'm at that bar—you know—the one with the lighthouse thing? Actually I think it's the only bar-" _"Dude he's blowing it!" _"-but I'm pretty drunk, so maybe not righ-" Beep.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

"The'se is Dorota" "and Sacha!" "we' are no' here r'ght now. So Mess Blair, plese le've a messa'ge." Beep.

"Dorota! Dorota I need you! What's the point of getting you all these phones if you never answer them? Answer Dorota!"


	6. Chapter 6

I Disclaim! Please Review—I'm an egomaniac and I need them! :D - Also I am in no way belittling world hunger or any people. I'm involved in aide work and I know just how much help the world needs, it just fits with Chuck's personality.

"It's Liam. If this is my mother, I'm currently in litigation with you and my lawyer recommends we don't speak. Everyone else, yeah go ahead and leave a message."

"Liam this is your Uncle Nate. We've got to talk about this situation. Listen—you mother's crazy. I know it, you know it, your dad knows it…pretty much anyone's who's ever met her knows that. So kid really… suing your own mother… for your own money… that she's actually given you? Don't jump on this insanity train with her Liam. Despite your genetic inclination for it I really feel you can overcome this. Anyway, call me back, because eventually you're going to have to unlock your door."

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

"This is Serena Van der Woodsen. I'm sorry I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave a name and number I'll get back as soon as I possibly can."

"Hey Sis—so listen, the hell spawn are up to something. They've got Blair's little smirk on. And while it's undeniably sexy on her, it's more than a little troubling on my children, who, let's face it, are some lighter fluid and bong hit away from larceny twenty-four-seven. Normal I encourage a little havoc, but it's Hamptons Week and you know how Blair is about family togetherness and… and all that other crap that was in that parenting book. So, I don't know, take her out for a manicure or a drink… Actually the drink would be better. A strong one and then bring her home to be taken advantage of—I'll do the actual exploiting of course, although you're more than welcome to join, as always. Also, Humphrey is arriving today, so I'd avoid anyplace he may frequent on the property. I'd recommend doing something fun—he's sure to be wary of anything that might bring the slightest enjoyment to anyone but starving Africans. No offense to your new… thing or whatever. I sure the Africans are well fed under your care. By the way, have you seen Katherine? I don't see how we can bond as family while missing our eldest child. I'm sure I saw her yesterday but that may have been me remembering last year. I'm just not sure. Let me know."

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Chuck Bass you have…1 New Text Message

From S.:

C- you are gross…and yes B. def needs a drink. I'll come by tonight. And FIND YOUR KIDS! B. will be pissed when she finds out you lost one. S.


	7. Chapter 7

I disclaim.

"Yo, Yo, Yo, this is James. I'm apparently too busy jamming to catch your call right now, but I'd be happy to hit you back soon." Beep.

"Hello! Hello! CeCe! Cecilia if you can hear this pick up young lady! And you—yo boy! You touch one hair on my daughter's head and I'll jam you, you get me! And I don't know what you're 'jamming' but if it's anything into a pipe you should know that my brother-in-law knows people who ca- hey! Eric! I-" "Hey… whoever this is. I'm very sorry about that; my husband is a little… protective. Anyway keep on… keeping on. So yeah. Also if Cecilia _is_ there, give us a call baby, we're worried."

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

CeCe Howard you have… 1 New Text Message.

From: Liam

Idk what you two r up to, but the rents are flipping their lids! Also tell kate I broke the bass code of silence and told dad that you were staying at the Nelsons. He's been sneaking me playboys and granola bars… I had to give him something. C. call ur dads- the screaming is throwing off my online poker game face.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Liam Bass you have… 2 New Text Messages

From: Miss Practically Perfect

I'm going to kill you! For real this time! You broke the bass code? That's it- I'm abandoning you with Uncle Nate three scotches in. I hope you enjoy hearing grown men cry about the one who got away…all weekend.

From: Mom

As you've shoved socks under your door to prevent my notes from slipping under I've resorted to your level Liam. So here…a text. I know your traitor of a father has been slipping you provisions. Withering away my headband! He is being punished but if you open your door and act like a civilized human for the remained of the week I'll let this slide young man. After our loving, happy family week is over you may go back to this…sulking. Oh and by the way, you are aware you cannot simply claim abuse- you have to prove it.

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

"This is Nathaniel Archibald. I'm afraid I can't come to the phone right now. Please try me at the office, 555.3745, or leave a message. Thank you." Beep.

"Nate it's me. I need help—an exit strategy. This is serious. Blair is McCarthy and I'm a communist sympathizer serious. And not in a fun role playing way! She caught me passing goods and info to the kid and now… I have to go. She's coming. I'll meet you by the back gate at sunset—keep the engine running… and bring a sandwich."


	8. Chapter 8

I disclaim. AN: Back after a short... I mean long, intermission for life.

...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...

A note from the clipboard of Blair Waldorf-Bass:

To all PARTICIPATING members of the Bass Hamptons Soirée,

It has come to my attention that certain family members and close guests are feeling that this holiday is becoming stressful. Some have expressed a wish to abandon the end of their vacations and retreat to the city. Some have even, perhaps, implied that I am the cause of this deterioration of family values.

To those Cabbage Patches' I say go. Go! Your kind of hippie, hometown, guitar playing kind is not wanted here in this, the greatest vacation retreat of the Capitalist Winners. Return to Brooklyn or SoHo or where ever there are overly privileged, college educated, unemployed communists looking to ruin a perfectly good time with their ideas about relaxation.

To those of you who DO embody the joy and luxury of the Hampton's, I am happy to invite you to a nightcap gathering (both alcoholic and otherwise) to be enjoyed in a leisurely and wasteful manner on the beach- elitist guilt should be left in town cars and or limos.

The affair will be tented, rain or shine, and chairs will be provided. RSVPs are appreciated but not required.

Good day and good riddance,

Your frustrated hostess,

Blair Waldorf-Bass

...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...

"Hello, this is Serena Van der Woodsen. I'm afraid I can't come to the phone right now but if you leave a message or call my office I'll get back to you as soon as possible. If this is an urgent business matter please call the corporate offices at 555.9629."

"Serena? Serena are you there?... S, this is...(hiccup), this is Nate. I was just calling to, Jesus I was just calling to say that you looked really nice this morning. Like, really...nice. Like a goddess or, or Celine Dion! Well, not, not like Celine Dion... but sort of! (hiccup, hiccup) Like a young Celine- when she on Titanic-"

("Nate? Nathaniel give me the phone right now!")

"Shhut up Chuck! Haha- rhymes! But shut up anyway Chuck- 'm talking to Serena- hey no!"

"Hello? S?... (Are you seriously leaving a drunk dial message for your ex-wife? How old are you?... no I'm not giving you the phone back! We're going to sit here and wait for the-"

'The allotted time for your message has expired. If you are happy with your message please hang up or dial 1. If you with to rerecord your message please dial 2-' BEEP.

"S, this is Chuck. I'm just calling to say that I'd like to go over your stock portfolio before you leave. I think we can trim a little fat...Also I'm calling from Nate's phone because mine was eaten. By a whale... or a large fish. I'll find it by morning though so don't mention it to Blair."

...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...

AN: Sorry it's a short one! But a little is better than nothing right?


	9. Chapter 9

I disclaim.

...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...Gossip Girl...

FBI Records and Archives, Surveillance Van 1092. 29 August 2031. Agents on Duty: Supervisory Case Agent Tom Dhunn; Probationary Agent Edward Thistle.

0948 hrs.

"Were you able to install it?"

(scoff) "No problem. Those people have so much staff in and out they'll never even remember me."

"Don't underestimate them sport- The Bass' are slippery. (sigh, creak) I investigated his old man you know- Bart. Now that was an asshole. A smart asshole though. Never left a trail. I'll feel kind of bad, nabbing the kid."

"Why? (sip, slurp) He seems like a rich jerk to me. I mean, look at this house- it's obscene."

(shuffle, shuffle, tap) "Oh he's a piece of work alright, and the wife's an absolute nutcase, but the kid was kind of sweet, in a Napoleonic sort of way. You should've seen the way he lapped up the old man's attention and every time the old bastard would throw it back in the kids face. I mean, (sip) you should have heard this guy yell. I'm surprised the boy didn't turn into a nervous wreck."

"And you didn't do anything Tom?"

"Oh you aren't allowed to. Not unless the subject's really going to hurt someone. Even then, I knew guys that wouldn't move unless something broke their case. Nowadays, you'd have to answer for shit like that, but 40 years ago...(sigh) I was just a probie, like you, and my boss wasn't the type to make a fuss because a guy was verbally abusing his son... He was a dick too."

"Huh."

1152 hrs.

(ta-ta-ta-tap. ta-ta-ta-tap.) "Stop that crap probie. I'm trying to hear something."

"Still nothing?"

"Nope. All I can hear is your goddamn tapping."

"Sorry boss."

"Oh it's fine Eddie. This shit happens sometimes. You plant a bug in a room and then nobody goes in for days...Let's go over the file one more time. Run it down for me."

"Yes sir. (flip, flip) A Mr. Charles Bass aka Chuck Bass, suspected of insider trading and corporate espionage. Married to Blair Waldorf, second wife, with whom he has three children, Katherine, Liam, and Alexandria respectively. Two step siblings, Serena and Eric- they're still close and are present at the current gathering. Serena Van der Woodsen, works for the Vanderbilt foundation overseas and may be laundering money for her brother by moving it out of the country. She's divorced, one kid, Arthur Archibald. Her ex-husband, Nathaniel Archibald, is Bass' lawyer. There's a history of criminal activity there and he may be extensively involved or possibly going behind his friend's back, moving money without Bass' knowledge. Eric is a psychologist, has a practice with two other doctors, married to a Mitchell Howard, adopted daughter Cecelia Howard. Other guests include Dan Humphrey, Eleanor Waldorf, and just recently, a Carter Baizen. (flip, flip) Full time staff are Dorota and Sacha...(cough) something I can't pronounce. They're the only two who live full time in the house. That woman's scary- I though she made me when I walked in but apparently she runs the house with an iron fist. The wife depends on her for everything- according to cell records she talks to the help more than her family. Along with residents and staff there's kids in and out of that place every hour. Either those kids are crazy popular or they're dealing drugs."

(scoff) "I've checked the files. Those kids are fucking crazy- drugs would be too easy for them. When she was in high school Katherine Bass ran a homework ring that would put most bookies to shame. Never wrote a single paper, just acted as the middle man, passing out names and subjects. She charged favors, the clever little extortionist. Liam is sleeping with half the senior class and charging the other half for seduction lessons. The boy's filed a half dozen restraining orders in the last three years. Alexandria, the youngest of the fiends, is more of a low key criminal, seems to be a party planner for the young, rich, and bored. A few minor incidents with locals police but she's managed to create a record in the last few months after she ran her father's yacht aground- the Coast Guard picked her up in May."

"Busy family. (rustle, sip) Let's just hope they're using their powers for mischief and not mass destruction."

1412 hrs

"I just don't understand why we're not hearing anything! (slam, smack) I slipped the damn bug into a flower arrangement for the dining room. That compulsive maniac wouldn't let them eat anywhere but the main table- I could hear her screaming when she caught the son popping a mentos on the stairs."

"A mentos?"

"Apparently it's a choking hazard."

"(humm) I could see it."

"Really?"

"Breathmints? You'd be surprised how many crime scenes I've been to where spearmint is a serious factor. Besides I don't trust those colorful little tricksters- are they soft? are they hard? and why are the pinks so delicious? What pink fruit tastes like that? It's damn unsettling."

"..."

1735 hrs

"Do you have any twos?"

"Go fish."

2104 hrs

(sssnnore, huff, PUFF) "What the hell are you doing boss?"

"You've got something on your neck. It's been driving me up the damn wall all night. Just stand still." (shleep!)

"Eddie?"

"Yeah, Tom?"

"You said the maid caught you in the house?"

"That's right boss. But I threw her off, said I was there the double check the flower arrangements. I figured that people like that would have people supervising everything."

"... Did you... run into anyone else?"

(scratch, sigh) "Well, I mean... the daughter, the older one, she bumped into me. But she's barely been home all week- she wouldn't have suspected anything."

"And during this 'run in' did she...touch anything?"

"Boss!" (huh, puff) "I don't, I wouldn't..."

"Because 'this', looks like a goddamn bug! A bug that looks just like, oh I don't know, THE BUG YOU PLANTED. INSIDE!"

"But- but I- what?"

(knock, knock...slide)

"Hel'lo gen'tlemen. My name is Sacha. Mister Bass wou' like to know if you re'quire dinner. Tonigh' we are having lamb and-"

(cough) "No!... No we...we were just going. Tell Mr. Bass that- well, yes, we were just going."

"Of cours'e. Hav' a nice night. Oh and Mister Edward, Miss Katie send her regards."

(slide, chick) (SMACK)


	10. Chapter 10

I disclaim.

...gossip girl...gossip girl...gossip girl...

Minutes from the Emergency Bass Family Meeting, August 30th, 2031. Recorded by Arthur Archibald, Secretary.

Council In Attendance: Blair Bass, President; Chuck Bass, Vice Pres.; Eric Van der Woodsen, Treasurer; Arthur Archibald, Unwilling Secretary Imposed by a Fascist Oligarchy.

Members in Attendance: Katherine Bass; Liam Bass (with attorney); Alexandria Bass; CeCe Howard; Mitchell Howard; Serena Van der Woodsen; Nathaniel Archibald; (Honorary Members Dorota and Sacha also present)

Outsiders Ostracized from a Purposeless Hell: Dan Humphrey and Carter Baizen (both currently ostracizing each other as well).

A Memorandum from President Bass- "This is for your own good."

Topics on the Agenda (as listed on the 'Emergency Meeting Whiteboard): 1. Why spoiled children insist on making lives miserable by suing their parents and frolicking with inappropriate partners. 2. What 'don't get drunk and sleep with your ex-husbands/ex-wives/ex-boyfriends' really means. 3. Carter Baizen- if we kill him, can we hide the body/evidence successfully? 4. Does everyone have their first-day-of-school outfits picked out? Dorota needs to iron them the night before. 5. Is the world coming to when Alex is the mature one of the trip? Is the Apocalypse happening 19 years late and if so, should we sell our Mac shares? 6. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

At 9:10 am President Bass banged the meeting to order. (With an actual gavel. At 9am.)

Vice President Bass stole said gavel and hid it to the best of his ability under his chair.

The above topics were discussed in excruciating and unnecessary detail. Vital contributes were as follows:

Topic 1: L.B.'s attorney read a statement prepared by his client outlining his terms. B.B. countered and attorney proceeded to cry and reminisce about his mother, who was apparently also a bitch. C.B. declared his intention to cave (as usual) but rallied in the end by halving L.B.'s trust fund and credit limit. A.B. petitioned to have L.B. removed from will- was unsuccessful.

M.H. screamed (loudly) about C.H.'s life choices and tried to her with several nice female rugby players from Oregon. . played Tetris on phone. C.B. joined M.H. in questioning C.H. and K.B. on whereabouts last night. C.H. filibustered by vomiting last night's tequila into her purse.

Topic 2: The minutes were not taken on this subject as the enslaved secretary covered his ears and hummed as his parents discussed their sex lives.

Topic 3: Yes. Chop him up, Florida Everglades/Gulf Stream. C.B. knows a guy. (He knows too much.)

Topic 4: L.B.- Yes, it's a uniform; A.B.- No; A.A.- No, I need to reconsider polo shirts; C.H.- Is Dorota seriously going to come to Paris to iron my dress?; K.B.-I'm 24... and yes.

Topic 5: A.B. found this question to be insulting. Yelling ensued. D.H. came in, assuming death was happening; he was boo'd ASAP and declared the world's worst Cabbage Patch in all the garden by B.B., C.B. threw a scone. D.H. exited the meeting room. . indicated her desire to 'get this over with' and called for a vote. 12:4 A.B. was certainly up to something that hadn't yet been discovered or fiery hell would be reigning down upon us (and the majority of the members would not be rising to the top of that pot). Split vote on selling stocks.

Topic 6: N.A to B.B: "Whose the one leading a meeting at 9am on a Sunday morning?" A hunt for the gavel ended with an impromptu weapon made from a butter knife and a wedge of aged raclette. B.B. was calmed and meeting continued with the habitual group pledge to seek help.

God grant us the serenity to not murder each other with utensils or assassins, the courage to wear white after Labor day, and the wisdom to not murder anyone wearing white because it shows blood stains. Also we should probably go to therapy. Yahtzee.

At 10:58am President Bass used her husband's shoe to bang out the meeting.

End of Minutes.

AN: I'm not mocking the Serenity Prayer, just borrowing the phrasing. It's a great tool and helped a lot of people.


	11. Chapter 11

A Memo to All Bass Empire Employees:

Anyone without a security badge should not be found unescorted in the halls. This includes the following: children, spouses, messengers, and pets of any kind.

Lately a great number of the avian species, specifically white, female pigeon fowl, have been spotted in the halls and discovered roosting in the ceiling crawl spaces. It has been mentioned that these fowl may be a pet problem that has gotten out of control. Please refrain from having pets of any kind on the property.

Also, close all windows until further notice.

Regards,

Roger Getter  
Chief of Security

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Dear Mrs. Blair Bass,

We at St. Constance Preparatory School for Girls regret to inform you of a troubling incident that has recently darkened our doorstep. A ring of paper writing and exam cheating has been discovered by one of our newest teachers here at Constance, Ms. Baker. It is unfortunate that such a disgraceful path has been taken by one of our young ladies but rest assured, we, the administrative staff, will not rest until the ringleader has been discovered. It is possible one of your children may have been a victim of cheating and for this, we apologize.

As one of our most generous alumni and board members, we are writing to inform you of the situation before any information is spread by scandal or slander. Again, we apologize for any distress this news had brought you and pledge to bring the offender to justice. Please, feel free to write or call us with any concerns.

Deepest regards,

Principal Sarah O'Malley

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Alexandria Bass you have...1 New Text Message

From Mom:

What have you done?! Call me now young lady!

Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl

Blair Waldorf-Bass you have... 2 New Voicemails

"This is Blair Waldorf-Bass. I'm apparently too busy to take your call, but if you leave your name, reason for calling, number, and hours you can be reached—in that order—I'll be happy to return your call when I have a moment." Beep.

"Mom listen. Whatever they're telling you is a lie. You know me... well maybe that's not in my favor but you know that if I ever was running an elaborate underground homework ring for the perpetually over-allowanced, under-intelligenced masses I would tell you. Or at least dad. I mean, how why would I bother selling essays to freshman who can barely stand upright? I have one scam and it's NYU- I know that Liam and you are fighting but don't take it out on me. I only exploit the underprivileged! I'm not taking the fall for this!

"Also why aren't you answering your phone?! Get it together Mom! This is no time to flashback from reality! Call me!"

"This is Blair Waldorf-Bass. I'm apparently too busy to take your call, but if you leave your name, reason for calling, number, and hours you can be reached—in that order—I'll be happy to return your call when I have a moment." Beep.

"Blair this is Dr. Kiltrin. Chuck tells me you're feeling a little stressed with the children going back to school. I just wanted to give you a call and remind you that you can only influence your own destiny. We don't need to fall back on old habits do we? There's only so many times you can sneak into the school dressed as a nun Blair. Why don't you give my secretary a call and schedule a session?"

A Message For: Mr. Bass

From: Renee Vargas, Secretary

Taken By: Renee Vargas, secretary

Date/Time: 2 September 2031 10:30am

Regarding: Birds

Sir, I am respectfully notifying you of an issue that has been plaguing my (and other's) work situation. It's the birds sir. I am aware that Mrs. Bass has been noticeably stressed due to you children's return to school and that you were only seeking to lighten both her mood and heart by training doves to deliver her messages; however, your subsequent decision to abandon the plan and simply send Ms. Humphrey out of the country has caused a bit of... difficulty. While I applaud your thinking and consideration of your wife's needs I urge you to think of me sir.

Me and the extraordinary amount of bird shit on my desk.

Something needs to be done about the doves sir. This is not Hogwarts. I simply cannot have birds flying about my head during working hours- I Skype sir.

Respectfully yours,

Renee Vargas


End file.
